Headlines and titles
I was recently taken to task for putting the word ‘poo’ in a headline. Apparently civil servants don’t step in dog poo – they step in dog ‘waste’ or ‘mess’. The furore over my use of the word ‘poo’ infuriated me, but then again it inspired me to compile a list of some of the sillier headlines and titles I come across in my exciting life as an editor – just to soothe my bitterness a little.
Funnily enough, the same people who thought the word ‘poo’ inappropriate for a headline, saw nothing wrong in the title ‘Police Prevent Report’.
If you read that and pictured police tooled up and in riot gear, tumbling out of a van and surrounding a printing factory, well I can’t say I blame you. But you were wrong. This is the name of a report on preventing violent extremism, which just goes to show how very confusing titles and straplines can be.
I wonder how many amazon customers have been disappointed to find that ‘Bullying and sexual harassment – a practical handbook’ is actually about how to deal with the consequences of being bullied, rather than tips on how to bully effectively.
Equally, to those unschooled in the ways of local government, ‘Implementing the new domestic violence best value performance indicator’ could be misinterpreted.
And who thought this was a good idea for a title? ‘Lead members for children’s services: briefing on teenage pregnancy‘
My study of titles has undoubtedly helped with my Christmas shopping. Some of my friends and colleagues like animals apparently – which is nice for them.
It is the season to be moderately jovial after all, so why not enjoy the potential modifiers as they dangle so tantalisingly in ‘The big book of Lesbian horse stories’? Should I buy it just to find out whether this book is about horsey lesbians or mares who love mares?
For those who like both handicrafts and pets – elderly mothers perhaps – why not purchase ‘Cassells Knitting With Dog Hair’? After all who could argue with the adage:
“Better a sweater from a dog you know and love, than a sheep you’ll never meet”?
And if you have one of those annoying preachy types of environmentalist in your life, why not buy them ‘How Green were the Nazis’? That will stop them reminding everybody of the carbon cost of turkey and supermarket shopping throughout Christmas dinner, which is – let’s face it – already a tedious enough in its own right.
For those of us forced to spend the festive season with family, it might help morale to buy a copy of ‘Do it yourself coffins’ for that smug brother-in-law that everyone else inexplicably likes.
For myself, I don’t expect to receive any presents that I actually want – just the annoying sorts of things that other people think you should have. So I shall be treating myself to some bedside reading to get me through the holiday. I think a copy of ‘Nuclear War – what’s in it for you?’ will cheer me up no end.
And just to be on the safe side, I’m also ordering a copy of ‘How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?’ because, if nothing else, it demonstrates that all writing needs proofing and editing, even the weirdest book titles.
