Banking on pretentious language
Life just gets more and more terrifying, doesn’t it? If you thought swine flu and climate change were scary, then gird yourself for the terror of a bank holiday weekend. If you’re planning to leave home, you’d better think again. Statistics show that you’re more than likely to “face delays” as you “brave the chaos”.
Of course, if you’re travelling by train, tannoy announcements apologising and offering pathetic excuses will only add to your misery – along with those trying to persuade you to visit the “buffet” car, which no doubt offers:
“a range of refreshments including a selction of cold drinks and hot beverages”.
When you finally decide you can’t stand it any more, that you need to stretch your legs and go to the “buffet” car, there will be a big queue, some overpriced sandwiches, a few cans, two flavours of crisp if you’re lucky, and the worst coffee since Maxwell House.
What t is it with rail companies and pretentious language? You have to walk past miles of empty first class carriages to get to second class, but still always they announce:
“First class accommodation is located at the rear of the train.”
As if you didn’t know that! Why can’t they just say:
“All those with first class tickets, get down the back.”
That would be the MPs no doubt – off to whichever home they go to after a busy week in Westminster.
Bankers – whose holiday we celebrate this weekend – must be delighted that MPs are suddenly even more unpopular than they are. Everyone is suddenly completely distracted and seems to have forgotten what a greedy bunch the bankers are too. But aside from that, how is the recession going?
According to the BBC’s Robert Peston:
“Global recession is leading to job losses and pay cuts for millions and millions of people.”
Oh great! He doesn’t say exactly how editorial staff may be hit, even though he is technically one of us. He does say:
“Against that background, the feather-bedding of top executives who don’t hit their targets is widely seen as intolerable.”
What? “The feather bedding of”! Is this nominalisation gone mad? Has this disease spread so far that it has now reached the highest echelons of well-paid journalism? Has Robert Peston spent too much time with government people and bankers?
Meanwhile, Gordon Brown has told the CBI:
“There can be no complacency about the economy.”
He must be the only person who – “speaking without notes” – would automatically phrase something like this:
“We will now need a level of economic cooperation between nations if we are to solve these problems that are unprecedented.”
May be he just isn’t able to say:
“We mustn’t be complacent. We need to cooperate internationally on the economy to solve these unprecedented problems.”
May be, in a previous life, he used to write the tannoy announcements for railway companies.
