thedanglingmodifier.co.uk

“Tough on threats. Easy on you.” That’s the strapline for AVG Antivirus and Security Software. Scary name for a company though, isn’t it? Sounds military, which may be why they add the “Easy on you” to the strapline as an afterthought.

I was a fool. I thought the “Easy on you” might mean that the software was easy to use. It seems I never learn. Let me explain. When I switched on my computer this morning a dialogue box kept warning me that I was “not protected” against “online threats”.

At first I thought it meant people leaving rude remarks in my comment box. Nobody likes that sort of thing, but I wasn’t unduly worried. But then I realised I could get another Trojan.

Like any rational neurotic in front of a computer, my first thought was to phone a geek. I couldn’t get through. And I so desperately wanted to update my blog (just in case anyone reads it) that I decided to have a go at sorting it out by myself.

After finding out that my antivirus software is switched off, following various instructions and clicking a lot, I ended up on the AVG website FAQ page.

FAQ of course stands for “frequently asked questions”. There are two FAQs on this page and I have no idea which applies to me. But I feel fairly confident that this one is neither a question nor asked frequently:

“Cannot update AVG and you have Cybersitter application installed”

I love the idea of a cybersitter. Someone to come round and look after my computer while I go out, get pissed, may be have a slash between two parked cars and then vomit all over my shoes.  If only life were that easy.

But it isn’t. Like switching on your antivirus software, life is bloody difficult and damned hard work. And anyway, a cybersitter probably looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger and no one wants to come home drunk to that!

Time to shut down now before the Trojans find me.  When I know it’s safe I’m going to start a blogroll, so I shall let you all know about that next week.